1. What do I know of man's destiny? I could tell you more about radishes. - Samuel Beckett 

2. My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. - Woody Allen 

3. I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear. - Woody Allen 

4. I failed to make the chess team because of my height. - Woody Allen 

5. I love fools' experiments. I am always making them. - Charles Darwin 

6. Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell. - Robert Byrne 

7. Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. - Robert Orben 

8. You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own. - H. Jackson Brown, Jr. 

9. I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. - Arthur Conan Doyle 

10. People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. - Isaac Asimov 

11. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. - Gloria Steinem 

12. I have an unfortunate personality. - Orson Welles 

13. Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. - Hedy Lamarr 

14. It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat. - Arnold Schwarzenegger 

15. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem? - Arnold Schwarzenegger 

16. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. - Jim Carrey 

17. Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again. - Robert A. Heinlein 

18. The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. - Terry Pratchett 

19. I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair. - Hillary Clinton 

20. If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle. - Hillary Clinton 

21. You see much more of your children once they leave home. - Lucille Ball 

22. If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? - Lily Tomlin 

23. If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? - Lily Tomlin 

24. I like marriage. The idea. - Toni Morrison 

25. By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out. - Richard Dawkins 

26. What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? - W. Clement Stone 

27. If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat! - Demetri Martin 

28. I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.' - Demetri Martin 

29. Life is hard. After all, it kills you. - Katharine Hepburn 

30. If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age. - George Burns 

31. I spent a year in that town, one Sunday. - George Burns 

32. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. - George Burns 

33. When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. - George Burns 

34. I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut. - Ellen DeGeneres 

35. People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant. - Ellen DeGeneres 

36. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. - Ellen DeGeneres 

37. Never fight an inanimate object. - P. J. O'Rourke 

38. Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. - P. J. O'Rourke 

39. I love mankind; it's people I can't stand. - Charles M. Schulz 

40. I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time. - Charles M. Schulz 

41. I'm like old wine. They don't bring me out very often - but I'm well preserved. - Rose Kennedy 

42. All men are equal before fish. - Herbert Hoover 

43. I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. - Phyllis Diller 

44. Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. - Phyllis Diller 

45. The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. - Phyllis Diller 

46. It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value. - Arthur C. Clarke 

47. Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs. - Alfred Hitchcock 

48. Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race. - H. G. Wells 

49. It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. - Jerry Seinfeld 

50. The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want! - Jerry Seinfeld 

51. A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. - Jerry Seinfeld 

52. The next time you have a thought... let it go. - Ron White 

53. I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. - Ron White

54. The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. - Dave Barry 

55. It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. - Dave Barry 

56. Thinking is one thing no one has ever been able to tax. - Charles Kettering 

57. I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty. - Bob Hope 

58. A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. - Bob Hope 

59. I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money. - Bob Hope 

60. Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got. - Josh Billings 

61. There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together. - Josh Billings 

62. Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed. - Josh Billings 

63. All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. - Casey Stengel 

64. Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be. - Joan Rivers 

65. I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. - Joan Rivers 

66. Never floss with a stranger. - Joan Rivers 

67. If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. - Joan Rivers 

68. I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. - Joan Rivers 

69. Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long. - Ogden Nash 

70. Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is honored by posterity because he was the last to discover America. - James Joyce 

71. I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. - Emo Philips 

72. How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. - Emo Philips 

73. I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. - Emo Philips 

74. I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair. - Bette Davis 

75. Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did. - Bette Davis 

76. You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think. - Milton Berle 

77. Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name. - Milton Berle 

78. A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. - Milton Berle 

79. We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight. - Milton Berle 

80. We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know. - W. H. Auden 

81. Society is like a stew. If you don't stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top. - Edward Abbey 

82. There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. - Chris Rock 

83. I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. - Samuel Goldwyn 

84. I never liked you, and I always will. - Samuel Goldwyn 

85. I read part of it all the way through. - Samuel Goldwyn 

86. Let's have some new cliches. - Samuel Goldwyn 

87. Include me out. - Samuel Goldwyn 

88. Progress was all right. Only it went on too long. - James Thurber 

89. Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else? - James Thurber 

90. Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone? - James Thurber 

91. Reality continues to ruin my life. - Bill Watterson 

92. Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder? - Don Rickles 

93. Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children. - Samuel Butler 

94. There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. - Henry Kissinger 

95. Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative. - Henry Kissinger 

96. I'm for whatever gets you through the night. - Frank Sinatra 

97. The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder. - Al Gore 

98. Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it. - Charles Dudley Warner 

99. Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter. - James A. Garfield 

100. There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. - Lewis Black