1. Too much agreement kills a chat. - Eldridge Cleaver
2. I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier. - Howard Nemerov
3. I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church. - Paul Lynde
4. I wish I had the nerve not to tip. - Paul Lynde
5. I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host. - David Letterman
6. Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them. - George Lopez
7. I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It's chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one. - Paul Simon
8. My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante
9. I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. - Jack Benny
10. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. - Jack Benny
11. There's one thing about baldness, it's neat. - Don Herold
12. I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back. - Richard Lewis
13. When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life. - Richard Lewis
14. I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me. - Dylan Moran
15. If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything. - William Lyon Phelps
16. An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out. - George Jean Nathan
17. When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice. - Saul Bellow
18. One man is as good as another until he has written a book. - Benjamin Jowett
19. To label me an intellectual is a misunderstanding of what that is. - Dick Cavett
20. Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine. - Christopher Plummer
21. Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you. - Joey Adams
22. I saw a stationery store move. - Jay London
23. It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes. - Jay London
24. My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings. - Jay London
25. I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights. - Jay London
26. Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. - Brooke Shields
27. I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. - Joe E. Lewis
28. The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love. - Joe E. Lewis
29. I have a memory like an elephant. I remember every elephant I've ever met. - Herb Caen
30. I am certain there is too much certainty in the world. - Michael Crichton
31. I'm an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat. - Harold Wilson
32. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner
33. My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. - Mike Myers
34. The tax collector must love poor people, he's creating so many of them. - Bill Vaughan
35. Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. - Bill Vaughan
36. What I am looking for is a blessing not in disguise. - Jerome K. Jerome
37. Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands. - Jerry Lewis
38. All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. - Jane Wagner
39. When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic. - Jane Wagner
40. Who included me among the ranks of the human race? - Joseph Brodsky
41. Only the mediocre are always at their best. - Jean Giraudoux
42. Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf. - Lewis Mumford
43. I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. - Elayne Boosler
44. I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me. - Elayne Boosler
45. I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire. - Roy Orbison
46. After all is said and done, sit down. - Bill Copeland
47. Progress is man's ability to complicate simplicity. - Thor Heyerdahl
48. Me carrying a briefcase is like a hotdog wearing earrings. - Sparky Anderson
49. I wish the government would put a tax on pianos for the incompetent. - Edith Sitwell
50. I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room. - Mercedes McCambridge
51. Never take a solemn oath. People think you mean it. - Norman Douglas
52. Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening. - Alexander Woollcott
53. Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups. - Cathy Guisewite
54. Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself. - Cathy Guisewite
55. Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. - Luis Bunuel
56. My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra. - Angie Dickinson
57. It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether. - Johnny Vegas
58. A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often. - Oliver Herford
59. I own and operate a ferocious ego. - Bill Moyers
60. A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.' - Claude Pepper
61. I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern. - Mickey Rooney
62. What after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean. - Christopher Fry
63. We know that the nature of genius is to provide idiots with ideas twenty years later. - Louis Aragon
64. If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents. - Marcelene Cox
65. A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers. - Kevin Nealon
66. A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children. - David Brenner
67. When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine. - David Brenner
68. When I was born I owed twelve dollars. - George S. Kaufman
69. I think the eyes flirt most. There are so many ways to use them. - Anna Held
70. As I get older, I just prefer to knit. - Tracey Ullman
71. I think serial monogamy says it all. - Tracey Ullman
72. Why does everyone think the future is space helmets, silver foil, and talking like computers, like a bad episode of Star Trek? - Tracey Ullman
73. If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer. - Rob Corddry
74. Someone told me that when they go to Vermont, they feel like they're home. I'm that way at Saks. - Caroline Rhea
75. I'm a misplaced American, but don't know where I was misplaced. - Ruby Wax
76. My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at? - Margaret Smith
77. You know the funny thing, I don't get along with rich people. I get along with the middle class and the poor people better than I get along with the rich people. - Donald Trump
78. Design is a funny word. Some people think design means how it looks. But of course, if you dig deeper, it's really how it works. - Steve Jobs
79. It's a funny thing, the less people have to live for, the less nerve they have to risk losing nothing. - Zora Neale Hurston
80. Trust is hard to come by. That's why my circle is small and tight. I'm kind of funny about making new friends. - Eminem
81. I've always found it easier to be funny than to be serious. - Molly Ivins
82. To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone. - Reba McEntire
83. I would ask my mother to show me how to walk - and she did show me. That's why I think it's funny when people say, 'Did so-and-so teach you how to walk?' And I always say, 'You must be talking about my mother, because it was my mother who taught me how to walk.' - Naomi Campbell
84. It may sound funny, but I love the South. I don't choose to live anywhere else. There's land here, where a man can raise cattle, and I'm going to do it some day. - Medgar Evers
85. Funny is an attitude. - Flip Wilson
86. A reputation takes years and years and years to build, and it takes one press of a button to ruin it. Don't let that happen to you. You've done so much work; you've put in so much effort. Don't let one moment ruin your entire life because you wanted to be funny or you were mad or because you had a mood. - J. J. Watt
87. Being funny is a symptom of what's underneath. You're pumping out all that energy because something else is going on inside you, some opposing force, something uncomfortable. - Faith Prince
88. What's great about stand-up is that you can say whatever you want and go around the country, and sometimes the world, and work on it and see how people react. You don't need Standards & Practices or notes from lawyers or producers to tell you what's funny. - Natasha Leggero
89. From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere. - Dr. Seuss
90. If you're serious, you really understand that it's important that you laugh as much as possible and admit that you're the funniest person you ever met. You have to laugh. Admit that you're funny. Otherwise, you die in solemnity. - Maya Angelou
91. Everyone has at least one story, and each of us is funny if we admit it. You have to admit you're the funniest person you've ever heard of. - Maya Angelou
92. What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny. - Steven Wright
93. When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel. - Steven Wright
94. I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends. - Steven Wright
95. When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.' - Steven Wright
96. A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book. - Ernest Hemingway
97. If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress. - Will Rogers
98. Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else. - Will Rogers
99. I used to stutter really badly. Everybody thinks it's funny. And it's not funny. It's not. - Joe Biden
100. All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. - Mitch Hedberg
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