1. All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. - Lewis Black 

2. That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard. - Joe Rogan

 3. I could sooner reconcile all Europe than two women. - Louis XIV 

4. Men are only as loyal as their options. - Bill Maher

5. Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease. - Bill Maher 

6. Cure for an obsession: get another one. - Mason Cooley 

7. I'm going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli. - Michael J. Fox 

8. The first day one is a guest, the second a burden, and the third a pest. - Jean de la Bruyere

9. We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect. - Alanis Morissette 

10. I don't deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it. - Flannery O'Connor 

11. If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk? - Laurence J. Peter 

12. Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively. - Laurence J. Peter 

13. Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. - Laurence J. Peter 

14. If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. - Laurence J. Peter 

15. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor 

16. Macho does not prove mucho. - Zsa Zsa Gabor 

17. Miami Beach is where neon goes to die. - Lenny Bruce 

18. Communism is like one big phone company. - Lenny Bruce 

19. I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more. - James Brown 

20. To be or not to be. That's not really a question. - Jean-Luc Godard 

21. If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners. - Johnny Carson

22. I was so naïve as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing. - Johnny Carson 

23. The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere. - Jimmy Fallon 

24. Instant gratification takes too long. - Carrie Fisher 

25. Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. - Mel Brooks 

26. If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets. - Mel Brooks

27. I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. - Les Dawson 

28. Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse. - Thomas Szasz 

29. If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. - Tallulah Bankhead 

30. A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. - Spike Milligan 

31. How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven. - Spike Milligan

32. I can speak Esperanto like a native. - Spike Milligan 

33. I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty. - Imelda Marcos 

34. You can do anything with bayonets except sit on them. - Thomas Hardy 

35. She was a handsome woman of forty-five and would remain so for many years. - J. B. Priestley 

36. Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I. - Oscar Levant

 37. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. - Jules Renard 

38. All my children inherited perfect pitch. - Chevy Chase 

39. Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish. - Chevy Chase 

40. I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. - David Lee Roth 

41. I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me. - Stephen Fry 

42. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. - Fred Allen 

43. California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. - Fred Allen 

44. The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion. - Fred Allen 

45. The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand. - Fred Allen 

46. Turn up the lights. I don't want to go home in the dark. - O. Henry 

47. If men knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they'd never marry. - O. Henry 

48. Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children. - Bill Hicks 

49. He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle. - Alice Roosevelt Longworth 

50. If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me. - Alice Roosevelt Longworth

51. He looked about as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food. - Raymond Chandler 

52. Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it. - Sam Levenson 

53. Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive. - Tim Allen

54. As far as I'm concerned, 'whom' is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler. - Calvin Trillin 

55. Be obscure clearly. - E. B. White 

56. Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts. - E. B. White 

57. I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. - Billy Connolly 

58. My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger. - Billy Connolly 

59. I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far. - Billy Connolly 

60. I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. - Rita Rudner 

61. When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. - Rita Rudner 

62. Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering. - Marilyn vos Savant 

63. God did not intend religion to be an exercise club. - Naguib Mahfouz 

64. If you're naturally kind, you attract a lot of people you don't like. - William Feather 

65. The reward of energy, enterprise and thrift is taxes. - William Feather 

66. The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. - Jay Leno 

67. Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. - Jay Leno 

68. Every dogma has its day. - Anthony Burgess 

69. Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. - Anthony Burgess 

70. People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading. - Logan Pearsall Smith 

71. We need two kinds of acquaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast. - Logan Pearsall Smith 

72. If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth. - Logan Pearsall Smith 

73. I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well. - Robert Benchley 

74. Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini? - Robert Benchley 

75. Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing. - Robert Benchley 

76. One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening. - Franklin P. Jones 

77. We owe to the Middle Ages the two worst inventions of humanity - romantic love and gunpowder. - Andre Maurois 

78. Conversation would be vastly improved by the constant use of four simple words: I do not know. - Andre Maurois 

79. Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn. - Hesiod 

80. I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name. - Paula Poundstone 

81. I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings. - Paula Poundstone

 82. I went window shopping today! I bought four windows. - Tommy Cooper 

83. Never put a sock in a toaster. - Eddie Izzard 

84. I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from. - Eddie Izzard 

85. I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren't any rules, how could you break them? - Leo Durocher 

86. There is nothing in the world that I loathe more than group activity, that communal bath where the hairy and slippery mix in a multiplication of mediocrity. - Vladimir Nabokov 

87. Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum. - P. G. Wodehouse

 88. The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun. - P. G. Wodehouse 

89. Memories are like mulligatawny soup in a cheap restaurant. It is best not to stir them. - P. G. Wodehouse 

90. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. - Don Marquis 

91. An idea isn't responsible for the people who believe in it. - Don Marquis 

92. Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint. - Don Marquis 

93. A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists. - Don Marquis 

94. It is to be observed that 'angling' is the name given to fishing by people who can't fish. - Stephen Leacock 

95. I rant, therefore I am. - Dennis Miller 

96. There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it. - Dennis Miller 

97. One man's folly is another man's wife. - Helen Rowland

98. Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something. - Wilson Mizner 

99. Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave. - Wilson Mizner 

100. I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry. - Norman Wisdom