1. Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. - Mark Twain 

2. No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar. - Abraham Lincoln 

3. Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. - Mark Twain 

4. All generalizations are false, including this one. - Mark Twain 

5. If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month. - Theodore Roosevelt

6. Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for. - Will Rogers 

7. I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends. - Walt Whitman 

8. Electricity is really just organized lightning. - George Carlin 

9. Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? - Robin Williams 

10. Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. - Mae West 

11. The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around. - Thomas A. Edison 

12. They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. - Clint Eastwood 

13. Every man has a sane spot somewhere. - Robert Louis Stevenson 

14. You're only as good as your last haircut. - Fran Lebowitz 

15. Food is an important part of a balanced diet. - Fran Lebowitz 

16. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. - Lily Tomlin 

17. Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? - Phyllis Diller 

18. The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. - Arthur C. Clarke 

19. There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory. - Josh Billings 

20. When you're eight years old nothing is your business. - Lenny Bruce 

21. So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year? - Christina Aguilera 

22. As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. - Buddy Hackett 

23. My life needs editing. - Mort Sahl 

24. The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. - Mark Twain 

25. I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. - Winston Churchill

 26. If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house with the conscious design of doing me good, I should run for my life. - Henry David Thoreau 

27. Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. - Benjamin Franklin

 28. I can resist everything except temptation. - Oscar Wilde 

29. This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. - Oscar Wilde 

30. Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves. - Abraham Lincoln 

31. If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. - Abraham Lincoln 

32. If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? - Abraham Lincoln 

33. When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. - Albert Einstein 

34. Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. - Albert Einstein 

35. Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement. - Ronald Reagan 

36. One picture is worth 1,000 denials. - Ronald Reagan 

37. I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. - Steven Wright 38. 

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. - Steven Wright 

39. What's another word for Thesaurus? - Steven Wright 

40. I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat. - Will Rogers 

41. I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do. - Will Rogers

 42. The superfluous, a very necessary thing. - Voltaire 

43. I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. - Mitch Hedberg 

44. I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. - Mitch Hedberg 

45. My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. - Mitch Hedberg 

46. If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance. - George Bernard Shaw 

47. A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. - George Bernard Shaw 

48. I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. - Walt Disney 4

9. A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. - Groucho Marx 

50. I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. - Groucho Marx 

51. I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. - Groucho Marx 

52. Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. - Groucho Marx 

53. Weather forecast for tonight: dark. - George Carlin 

54. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. - George Carlin 

55. Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. - George Carlin 

56. In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. - George Carlin 

57. If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number? - Robin Williams 

58. I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you. - Robin Williams 

59. If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. - Robin Williams 

60. Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. - H. L. Mencken 

61. Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution? - H. L. Mencken 

62. It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. - H. L. Mencken 

63. Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. - H. L. Mencken 

64. I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me. - Warren Buffett 

65. O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet. - Saint Augustine 

66. I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. - Rodney Dangerfield 

67. I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. - Rodney Dangerfield 

68. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. - Rodney Dangerfield 

69. I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. - Rodney Dangerfield 

70. I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. - Mae West 

71. A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. - Yogi Berra 

72. Even Napoleon had his Watergate. - Yogi Berra 

73. I never said most of the things I said. - Yogi Berra 

74. It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance. - Thomas Sowell 

75. Fashions have done more harm than revolutions. - Victor Hugo 

76. I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. - W. C. Fields 

77. I like children - fried. - W. C. Fields 

78. If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon. - W. C. Fields 

79. I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. - Unknown 

80. He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow. - George Eliot 

81. I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong. - Bertrand Russell 

82. As for our majority... one is enough. - Benjamin Disraeli 

83. Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. - Erma Bombeck 

84. Never have more children than you have car windows. - Erma Bombeck 

85. One of the disadvantages of wine is that it makes a man mistake words for thoughts. - Samuel Johnson 

86. I have never been hurt by what I have not said. - Calvin Coolidge 

87. A word to the wise is infuriating. - Hunter S. Thompson 

88. TV is chewing gum for the eyes. - Frank Lloyd Wright 

89. Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. - Margaret Mead 

90. Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything! - Steve Martin 

91. I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks. - Steve Martin 

92. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. - Steve Martin 

93. I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons. - Douglas Adams 

94. I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. - Douglas Adams 

95. If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster. - Clint Eastwood 

96. Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. - Elbert Hubbard 

97. If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. - Henny Youngman 

98. If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. - Henny Youngman 

99. When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say. - Henny Youngman 

100. We are all born mad. Some remain so. - Samuel Beckett